The Lotus Flower Blooms in the Shit

(thanks Marina via Vince for the title idea)

So this was another hard week. the room was really hot and humid, with the air circulation not getting any better. but i feel like i'm getting sort of used to the heat. i also feel like my practice is absolute shit, because my ham strings are about 2" long now. i can feel that i have the strength to straighten both legs in standing bow, but my ham strings won't let me come down low enough. ugh.

this week was full on posture clinic. well, except for when John Burras came and told us about Facia. Facia is the interconnective tissue that holds all the biz in your body in place. he believes it is the most important thing in the universe, which was illustrated by him using the word easily over 200 times in his lecture. he had a lot of good things to say and used a lot of props to demonstrate metaphores, but he said some controversial things too - like that ALL disease is caused by cognitive dissonance. hmh, okay. Ron had some very funny things to say about him today as we studied. anyway, posture clinic. now, people don't jump up to go any more - we are all fighting each other to go last because we feel unprepared. we had to do tree pose and toe stand together, which is a big effing deal since we've only ever done one at a time. i did mine in front of Martha (owner of the Twin Cities' Studio) and Mike (owner of the downtown Chicago studio). i got it pretty okay, but all i got from them was "great." i felt cheated! i asked for more and they had no suggestions, but i know there was SOMETHING i could have done better. i'm not tooting my own horn here, but they just seemed bored and like they wanted to get out of there. oh well. and the following day, our posture clinic was lead by jakob, the director of a studio in san francisco, and a girl who is one of his teachers. they were extremely catty, gossippy and picked on quite a few people in what seemed like a mean spirited way. jakob was nice enough to end our posture clinic by saying "it doesn't matter, all of your first classes are going to be shit anyway" and then he dolled out make up classes to the people who were more than 30 seconds late coming back from the break.

Bikram returned this week as well. he arrived during the friday evening class, and i thoroughly enjoyed his lecture that night. but my lecture was slightly tainted by my roommate.

My roommate and i also got into a disagreement this week, and instead of talking to me about it she took the issue to the administration. awesome. so i got to have a nice, awkward conversation with the staff members and my roommate, where i was accused of doing things i haven't. but my roommate made up her mind otherwise, said what she said, some ground rules were set and now we're not talking. oh well.

But bikram said in his lecture that when we lose our temper, we lose our descency and begin to exaggerate. so hopefully she heard those things and took them to heart, because she exposed a not-so-good side of herself that evening. But the lotus flower grows in the shit, and i am learning a lot about myself and forgiveness from this shitty experience! shit!



so enough with the negative! i'm still smiling and loving every moment of training, because the fun parts are so awesome and the hard parts teach me so much about myself and others. and michael is here from portland! hooray! it's so nice to see a friendly face. he looked so stoked to be here, which in turn made me stoked. it's so easy to forget i'm in hawaii since i see the outside 1 day a week. also, when Bob (owner of the Beaverton studio) left last week, he insisted i be put on the schedule for july! yay! i can't believe that i'll be able to teach this stuff in just a few weeks. wtf?!

also, my tattoo healed in about 4 days from practicing. sorry mom & dad, it's staying forever :-)

Quotes:
training is like throwing seeds in the garden of your soul. it's up to you how you'll nurture it. - Craig

when we're done with training, everything is fun, even walking on hot coals and eating glass is great! - Craig

shannon: i keep waiting for my transformation to happen.
me: what do you want to transform into?
Shannon: a transformer!

Ask yourself how and when you learned to doubt yourself. - Craig

New students don't hear. New teachers don't see. - Joni

Our crutches become the crosses on which we crucify ourselves - Craig

There were 3 showers for for 160 women with the pressure of a guy with a prostate problem. - Craig

Hold a strong vision of others until they are able to hold it for themselves. - Craig

Bikram:
The smell isn't as bad as i thought. i was expecting old cat shit, now is like half calcutta, half paris.

before you can start your journey, you must know your destination.

guess what i did on the plane today? I read my own book! Believe it or not, i enjoyed it! i forgot what shit i wrote 5 years ago.

my way is to cut your balls off, make you eat them in public while i watch you digest it.

I got a new watch with Lord Krishna on it. I cannot see him through all the diamonds!

you can only enjoy 5% f your life if you are rich.

lonliness is the #1 pubishment in your life.

you lose your temper and you lose your descency.

faith in yourself means faith in God. If you believe God lives in sky with a grey beard and a hat like the pope, then you are a dumb fuck.

all your life you have to travel 6" - from your heart to your mind.

The lotus flower blooms in the shit

Now that my house is burnt down, I can see the moon

(thanks Michael Harris for the title idea).

So this was the hard week. the week where everyone cries during class, where EMTs were called because people passed out, where multiple people found their breaking point, the week where they turned the fucking heat UP. ugh. So they now have this new heater system where there are about 18 heaters hanging from the ceiling. they turned the one by the door in such a way that it blasts you with burning heat each time you enter the room. i call it the Spirit Crusher, because you always feel good just before you walk in the room, then the Crusher is there to knock you down a few pegs. my biggest struggle this week was my jaw. At the beginning of the week, i couldn't even open my mouth at all. when i practiced, i had to jam my tongue between my teeth to make sure i wasn't cleching my jaw. i got so sick of drinking smoothies. but now it's better, largely due to Justin from NE Fremont generously bestowing his massage therapist skills upon my jowels. he gave me a 15 minute massage before class yesterday morning and afterwards was the first time i could open my mouth all the way in nearly 2 weeks, so yay!

Poor John Salvatore (an AMAZING teacher from NY) got the worst of it. his afternoon class on wednesday, i think, was the worst. people were dropping like flies, then people started yelling out "open the door" and craig got really mad. then someome yelled "close the door" and i thought craig was gonna scream. and he sorta did. everyone was trying to leave the room, and everyone else was cramping up so bad they couldn't move. luckily, my row assignment was right in front of the doors so i was happy as a clam each time the door opened up. but i got to watch other people going through the worst of it.

Another sad part of this week was that michael harris left us to return to his studio in Bend. It was very sad. he said that our group had affected him more than any other group since his own training in 1998. we cried, he cried, he took a group picture of all of us and said goodbye. his posture clinics were the best, because he chose people at random, and then at the end of each session he lead thoughtful discussions about anything really. sometimes they got really heavy, and sometimes they were funny. hopefully he will return for graduation. Here's a picture from a few days ago of mike and me:



i also had a hard time with a realization that a fellow yogi wasn't the nice, mature person i thought he might be. aren't canadians supposed to be nice? craig said earlier that forgiveness is a selfish act as it releases the chains from your own heart, but i don't think he even deserves the effort on my part to forgive him. in fact, he doesn't even deserve me writing about him in my blog, so i'm going to stop.

But as Bikram said, everything comes in ebbs and flows, and in the place of a shallow and one-sided friendship came two real ones.



~*~*~*~Warning Parental Units: Proceed With Caution!~*~*~*~




So, mom and dad, i am warning you right now that you're not going to like what you're about to read. are you sitting down? okay, good. I got a tattoo. now, i know what you're thinking and yes, it is something i've been thoughtfully considering for at least 3 years, i went to a professional, clean and reputable tattoo artist, i'm not planning on getting any more, and you wouldn't ever know that i had it if you weren't reading about it now. it's on my back, right in the middle, so it won't show, even when i wear tank tops, open-back dresses or shorter shirts. I've done extensive research regarding tattoos and bikram yoga, and the sweat and the heat help tattoos heal faster and more evenly. Mom, you're probably crying and i'm sorry. Dad, all i can tell you is that i'm not the only one of the 5 kids who has a tattoo. also, maybe now my ear piercings wont bother you so much?




So here it is:






Note: it's still somewhat irritated since it was only a few hours old in this photo, but the pedals are colored in white (with pink in the center), which will start showing in a couple days.
The word 'Creideamh' is the Gaelic translation for Faith. Faith has always been a powerful word to me, but has become even more so during this training process. the only thing that gets me through it all is Faith - not in the religioius sense, but having ultimate faith in myself. John Salvatore said it best last week in an acronym "FAITH: Finally Allowing It To Happen".
And the flower. It's a magnolia flower, just like the ones in the tree outside of Goma and Gompa's house.

I really love it, and don't regret it, even a little bit. I know that I got it for me, and what better time to commemorate than this teacher training program where i am being pushed to the limit mentally, physically, emotionally and spiritually with the end result of learning to how to love myself? My friends Margery and Charles went with me and held my hands. it didn't hurt like i thought it would, but it was definitely uncomfortable. about 30 seconds from the end i just couldn't handle it any more and cried, but then he said he was finished. Now, it just sorta feels like i have a bad sun burn.

I feel like i've written too much but i know there is so much i am missing. it's crazy how much happens each day, but it is all going by to quickly. I'm really excited for this new week. It's amazing how we only have Sundays off, but they always seem to wash everything away and start us all anew.

Quotes:
- It's like a party in my mouth! -Shannon re: Dandayamana Bibhaktapada Paschimotinasana
- I come back to training to feel what it's like to be the Krispy Kreme in the oven again. - John Salvatore
- Your foot should be coming out of the top of your head in the mirror. - Maria Jose [should have said "Your foot is coming up over the top of your hear in the mirror"]
- Start to finish there is only one thing that matters and that's your students. - Julia
- I give you this blessing: may your first class have no beginners. - Craig
- You won't have a tear unless you go close to your heart and soul. - Rajashree
- We are so wrried about the future or past that we forget about the present. - Rajashree
- Talk and teach positive. - Rajashree
- Desire, emotion and gravity all pull us in the same way. - Rajashree
- An Angel is a demon that stands between you and your enemy. - Craig
- Yeah, there is a little gambling there. - Frank re: Vegas
- You know what I do? I come into your house, blindfold you, rearrange your furniture then ask you to find your way around. - Michael Harris
- If you're teaching in a dialect that's not your own, work that shit! - John Salvatore
- We don't treat the symptom, we treat the system. - Rajashree
- Yoga's value is trying to take care of your own life. - Rajashree
- You work your whole fucking life, 10 hours a day in a dance studio to play a fucking FORK?! - John Salvatore re: being in Beauty and the Beast on Broadway
- It's like switching seats on the titanic - it don't matter, that shit's goin' down! - John Salvatore
- Keep your heart open and open the hearts of others. another open heart in the world is another open heart in the world. - Mike harris
- My heart is my guru. - Rajashree
- Everyone has something to give if you know how to accept it. - Rajashree
- Sure it's short, but i'm sure it's irritating. - Ron re: learning Tree Pose

turning 23 at training

the 4th week has come and gone. i'm still feeling pretty great, but this week had more fluxuations than the last. i started out the week somewhat tired, but following the advice of craig, i stood front and center for as many classes as i could manage. being up there is sorta scary, but it really forces me to work harder, especially in his classes. i can hold the second part of awkward pose for 45 seconds! i really surprised myself. it felt great! my thighs are sore all the time though, but in a good way. also, my back doesn't hurt any more! hooray!!

so i turned 23 on thursday. it was the best birthday i've ever had. i woke up to room service delivering a nice fruit basket to my door. My friend Margery gave me a really cute little gift and card, then sang a dirty birthday song to me in front of everyone. i had a super strong class in the morning and saw my feet for the first time in floor bow! i didn't think it would ever happen. then was posture clinic. i've been killing posture clinic - people are calling me 'that girl who always does perfect in posture clinic.' not a bad title, and hopefully i can fulfill all the expectations for the rest of training. anyway, so mike harris (owner of the Bend, Oregon studio) is at training, and i REALLY wanted to do well in front of him for posture clinic, but he kept on coming in the room after i was already done. so on my birthday he was there, i asked if i could make an announcement, and i told everyone i'd baked cookies and Mike got really excited. he ate a few of them, and kept asking me to go get more during posture clinic. so they were passed around and eaten, then mike chatted with us for a while, then pointed at me and said "you go first." so i got up there and NAILED standing head to knee. i mean, it was the best i'd ever done, and mike even said "wow" when i was done! yay! then later he spotted my lewis & clark water bottle and we chatted about portland for a while.

I had another strong evening class. then i brought down the cookies i had baked for everyone in training (probably around 500 or so) and it was so amazing to see how happy it made everyone. everyone was standing in the lobby in front of the studio and were chatting and laughing, which made me feel even happier! so then we started the evening lecture before posture clinic and craig said "where is the keebler elf, you need to get up here so we can sing to you." before i got up there, my roommate charm grabbed the mic and told everyone how long it had taken me to make all the cookies - it was so sweet. then everyone sang to me and it was so amazing that my hands and face went completely numb. i came to when craig gave me a hug and said happy birthday and then the tears came. i cried and cried and cried and cried. it felt SO good. i couldn't tell you why i was crying because i dont really know, but i think i'm starting to figure it out. i probably got about 250 hugs and thank yous, it was amazing.

so later in the evening i ran into mike harris and he gave me a big hug and said "promise me you will come teach in Bend" and i said "i'll try" and he said "No, promise me right now you will come and teach in Bend." So i promised. yay!

Friday evening's class was really hard for everyone. we were all tired and sore, and after class craig announced that we had the evening off and everyone cheered and yelled for a good 5 minutes. it was so funny.

and tonight, a group of us went out to dinner for my birthday. there were about 10 people, and we went to a burger place up the street. it was SO good, holy crap. just what i needed. and Ron from john's landing got me a cake and they sang to me again and gave me a plumeria lay. it was so sweet.

Bikram was gone this week in tokyo, so i dont have quite as many quotes. interestingly enough, bikram told us this is the most time he has spent at teacher training in almost a decade. usually students get 3 weeks of him and we're going to get close to 7. lucky us!

Quotes:
Pain is mapping the terrain for yourself; it's liberating. then only can you help others on the journey. - Craig

If you deny them their pain, you deny them their healing. - Diane from Mass.

If you change your mind, you can change the posture. - Cynthia

The mirror enables us to know ourselves. - Diane from Mass.

It's not selling pain, it's selling confidence. - Craig

It's amazing to see what happens when you let people heal themselves. - Diane from Mass.

Let go of the handle bars and peddle as fast as you can. - Craig

This is like 5th grade band class. You know what i mean. - Mike Harris

i'm so happy, i could puke a rainbow.

The Good:
So this week was really fucking great, I’m not going to lie. First of all, I have regained nearly full range of motion in my back! It is still sore, but not injury sore, more like muscle soreness, which is good. I’ve been able to get my upper leg SO closed to locked in standing bow, ee!
We started posture clinics in the small groups this week. It’s much less intimidating. When I went up to deliver back bend and pada hastasana I was a little nervous but I nailed it. The teachers critiquing us just said “wow. Why did you wait so long if you knew it that well? You’re going to be a good teacher.” it was pretty sweet. Now I am not nearly as nervous to deliver the rest.
I feel like I am making real friends.
I stopped biting my nails. Bikram yelled at someone in lecture for it so I’ve since quit.
Practicing so much has given me so much energy! I would constantly be smiling if other people wouldn’t think I was a weirdo. And even though I still don’t get much sleep, I’ve been using that time to my advantage – like I study or write emails, or go to the beach and watch crabs burry themselves in the sand.
Today, to study dialogue a bunch of us enjoyed the delicious cooking of a fellow trainee and we all demonstrated/delivered at the beach, with intermittent bouts of swimming.
After class on Wednesday, a guy I hardly know came up to me and said I have a “kick ass and inspiring practice.” I couldn’t believe it! Especially since I feel like a loaf compared to so many other trainees.
I would have gotten a full score on my anatomy test had I only remembered the word ‘valve.’ Oh well. I thought ‘trap door’ was just as good, but apparently not :)
When John, a former lawyer and current Chicago studio owner was asking us about the good and bad connotations of Coke, someone said "anal seepage," which i think will become our training's inside joke. i laughed for like 10 minutes straight.
The next day during posture clinic, i was demonostrating for this charming, hilarious british guy who slaughtered the dialogue out of nervousness but was really funny about it. when the teachers asked him what he felt during his dialogue, he said "anal seepage." i laughed just as hard that time as well.
Today, Craig made the Saturday morning class better by quoting some of my favorite movies.
I bought fixins to make everyone cookies on my birthday next week. I think that will go over well.

The Bad:
Not much that I can think of… oh, besides that one day when they finally had enough power to get all the heaters going. It was SO FUCKING HOT! And SO humid! I thought it was going to rain in there. But not nice, refreshing rain. It would have been hot rain of sweat and suffocation and sadness. A lot of people ran out of the room and yacked. At the end, I got a cramp from my lower abs all the way up to my neck. That was strange.
Also, bikram bashed San Francisco a bit. But that’s okay. I’d be bitter if I lived in LA.

The Weird:
I still don’t have an appetite. Yesterday, I couldn’t even finish a bowl of cereal after morning class, then I had half a granola bar in the afternoon, and I couldn’t finish the small salad and sliced pair I made in the evening. Eating just seems so laborious and completely unfulfilling all of a suddenly. Hopefully I’ll get over this soon.
So, the entire handful of…weird… people are in my posture clinic group. I’ll assume they’re there to test my patience. There is one woman who was trying to make a pillow for herself out of a towel in class yesterday and she was covering my feet entirely! She was all up in my business, so I politely kicked her swass towel off and she kept talking to me about it and tapping my feet for the rest of class. And also, there is a woman who will never learn the dialogue. Not because she can’t, but because she has to many excuses and other issues in the way. She is too much of an anomaly for me to adequately explain. And guess who else is in my group! Don’t make me say it, you know who it is… my FAVORITE person! Yes.


Quotes (my quote cup runneth over this week, but they are all good)
Bikram:
- Whatever you do, you’re going to do it better with a pure heart and a clean spirit.
- If you are 99% right, then you are 100% wrong. Yes, life that big BITCH
- You’re smart, how come you’re so short and have no hair?
- You cannot see your face without a mirror. Your family is that mirror.
- Kids these days don’t even know how to wipe their own ass! I serious!
- You can watch 3 Japanese fighting movies for $1. Also dirty shows. Japanese love dirty shows
- If you are a realized man, this place is heaven for you. It is only hell to those who cannot see any better than that.
- I don’t care what you think about me. You paid and I ate your money so I don’t give a shit.
- Money is the beginning of your life, the journey of your life, and the end of your life.
- Spiritualism is to understand your own soul – atma – your god, your spirit.
- Your body is not life, your mind is. Use your body to improve your mind.
- Sanjay, have you been to school? Then why the fuck you sleeping?!
- I was so proud of myself when I live in tokyo. Ask me why. Because I was the tallest man!
- If you don’t fulfill your karma yoga, you will be born a cockroach in Milan living in a bathroom looking up at a big ass every morning!
- When you go to church or temple for your guilty conscience, you are just bribing God.
- You are not yours. Your body is the home for your spirit – you have no right to damage it.
- Look at our bodies – we went to bikram, he kicked our ass, now we no longer bitch and ass hole.
- Good is endless.
- i kill 7 dogs and 4 cats. Yes. They hire me.
- In this room, I have 310 Gods and Goddesses. Why go all the way to church to worship just one damn God? And that’s just a fucking statue!
- Love yourself, like yourself, take care of yourself, karma yoga.
- Today’s young generation always wants to be alone like they mental retard. They need a psychopath! I mean, psychiatrist!
- You never have a psychological problem until you meet a psychologist.
- Your mind can make you mother Theresa or a hooker, jesus Christ, or Hitler. Ooh, Hitler hooker, hooker Hitler. I like that. Do you follow me?
- My mantra is: sex, Bentley, car, money, Bentley, money, sex, lexus, nice ass, Bentley. I cant help it, I’m American!
- Learn how to live without expectation.
- You’re born to give, not to get, and at the end of the day you are the winner.
- Will you take that toothpick out of your mouth? Maybe put it in your ass? It might feel nice.
- You born the wrong place, you grow up the wrong way, you learn the wrong things, you eat your own shit and cannot digest it!
- You write your destiny with your own hand
- What the fuck is the name of that American yoga posture? Fucking the dog? that shit is not yoga!
- What the fuck are all these American yoga props? Blocks, straps, balls, hooks, whips, masks, big rubber dicks?
- You always underestimate yourself. What you need is self-realization.
- You give me some clay and I make it into…I don’t know… a monkey’s ass. I’m not a sculptor!
- Man is a combination of street dog, shitty pig and a smelling fucking goat.

Lillian Glass:
- A pat on the back is only a few vertebrae removed from a kick in the ass
- I met Bill Clinton a few years ago. No I didn’t sleep with that man… but I thought about it!
- You could be retarded and have a British accent and sound like a genius.

John from Chicago:
- when you leave this bubble, it’s like benign post-dramatic stress disorder.
- Grab your toes, hippies!
- Intellectual property is like the prom queen – everybody wants some.
- San Francisco courts are scary – even the judges are pro-hippie
- Bikram yoga is a visa to the world.
- Big corporations’ marketing teams are just trying to hi-jack your shit


- I cook naked. – Primo

- don’t ever cook bacon without a shirt on. – Mike

- People come to us for a nice ass or tight stomach, and they leave with a beautiful mind. - Julia

- When one has attained success in asana, then praniyama is perfected. By praniyama, the veil which hides illumination is removed and the mind becomes fit for concentration. Then the senses are under full control.
- He labored dispassionately without attachment to results, and so results came to him. - Jim

-If you find your weak point, make it your strength! - Rageshri

-The drama you give to me will be reflected back onto you 1000x worse from your students. - Craig

the 3rd week already...

...FINALLY i got sleep. like real, honest to god sleep where i had dreams and everything. it was the first time i'd had a dream since arriving in hawaii. i dont even remember what it was about, but i'm sure it was weird.
they still haven't quite ironed out all the kinks yet. in hawaii, no one has ever really needed a powerful heater, and the contractors didn't really understand 120 degrees. so the first week wasn't hot at all, and last week they wired an elaborate system of 50 little space heaters with extension cords, then the contractors finally installed 18 heaters in the ceiling, but we only have enough power to use 4 at a time. it takes a while to get your biz sent to hawaii. they had the 4 running today and it wasn't that hot, but there is NO air circculation, so the bottom quarter of the mirrors are foggy and it's impossible to breathe while on the floor. it's amazing how just sitting up brings so much fresh air.
things are defintely coming in ebbs and flows. last week was pretty weak sauce, and this week is off to a strong start. my back still hurts all the time, but i was able to grab my feet in camel pose for the first time this morning. and i didn't fall out of a few postures that i usually fall out of. lately we've been having a lot of emmy and Jim from San Diego (i really like him), and bikram has had some potential investors in the back of class for the last week so he's been all chummy and funny while he teaches. i feel like they are just waiting to unleash craig on us to break our fragile selves.
i am still really liking it here. i am even coming to love Mr. Las Vegas, because he is just so ridiculously lame. i will have to snag a picture of him to load on here, because i could never fully capture the full skeezy letcherousness that he embodies with words.